PSYCHIATRIST REPORT
CLASSIFICATION: DANGEROUS
Name: Morley Seaver (aka Tobey Hooper, Blaak Hart, Iva Gunn)
Residence: Far from the maddening crowd.
Age: Which one of us in here?
Special skills: Handy with ABS glue, hiding bodies, head-banging while motionless.
Likes: Slow caffeine I.V. drips, chocolate espresso beans, Starbucks Caramel Macchiatos.
Dislikes: People that always have to have something to say, cheerful-on-a-Monday-morning type of people, the public at large.
The subject possesses a keen intelligence, scoring high on SNL Jeopardy. A quiet demeanor belies a savage temper, mostly displayed in the presence of Lite Rock radio stations and fans of the Toronto Maple Leafs. He is extremely anti-social, preferring the company of his family and the solitude of his home office to the droning of the masses. Displays hyper-aggression during Wal-Mart checkout lines.
Music calms the subject, particularly British bands of the black/extreme variety. Rap and reggae also tend to have a positive effect. Seaver has managed record stores, and written about music for over 20 years. His massive music collection boasts multi genres, with the exception of opera. "I like all music as long as it is Cradle of Filth, The Distillers, or Swollen Members," he says.
While approachable, Seaver is prone to violence when confronted with religious fanatics, adult cartoons, and empty coffee jars. Currently under surveillance by local law officials for a string of mysterious fires, Seaver maintains his innocence. "I'm being harassed," he charges, before muttering, "And they were just Hillary Duff CDs anyway."
If you see this individual, do not approach. He is considered dangerous.
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